Pen and paper is underrated.

Sure you can have your user-friendly word programmes and ergonomic keyboards but can any combination beat the humble ink on felled tree? Nope. Personally, I’m always at my most creative with a pen in my hand and a blank sheet of paper in front of me. But, it has to be a special pen…

The following writing implements are all special in their own unique way. You are guaranteed to find a pen here to satisfy your needs, whether you’re an adrenaline junkee, an office joker, or just extremely rich.

Ducati fountain pen

The Ducati fountain pen is perfect for speed writing with a go-faster stripe to give you extra impetus as you negotiate the peaks and valleys of prose. Ducati has even drawn on the 1960s Scrambler bike!

Best for: The adrenaline junkie freelancer who jots down notes with such speed that they leave scorch marks across the paper.

Price: £124.95

Pilot Capless

The Pilot Capless was the world’s first ever retractable fountain pen. With one click you will reveal an 14k gold nib, impressing your colleagues instantaneously and ensuring you get that all important retainer with your client.

Best for: The contractor who’s keen to wow their colleagues, and leave them with the sense that there might be something else up your sleeve.

Price: £99

Pilot

Exploding Pen

Tee hee hee. This pen is sure to bring the dullest office environment to life. As the manufacturer says, it’s “Guaranteed to scare people so badly they will never ask to borrow ANYTHING from you again!” All you have to do is allow someone to use your pen, and then, when they take the lid off BANG! It explodes!

Best for: The office prankster who’s not too worried about getting another contract with the client.

Cost: $4.49

Prankplace

Camsecure Spy Pen

Are you a contractor working on-site where the office culture is morally questionable? Does the company you work for need to be exposed? If so, take hold of this spy pen which can capture both video and audio, whilst providing a smooth writing experience. It can connect to any computer via USB!

Best for: The undercover contractor who puts the values of truth and justice ahead of financial gain.

Price: £44.50

Camsecure

Jumbo Merry Christmas Pen

Christmas may have passed us by, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start preparing for next year! As the buyer’s guide says: ‘Bring a bit of Christmas fun to your office with this novelty ballpoint pen!’ You can operate it by applying pressure to Santa’s head!!!

Best for: The contractor who’s not afraid to stick a pen in the face of the office cumudgeon who thinks that Christmas is just for kids.

Cost: Just £2.28

Diskdepot

Genuine Ostrich Quill Pen

Are you a scribe that wants to feel just like Shakespeare did when he penned those classic works? Well, you can with this Genuine Ostrich Quill Pen. It’s almost certainly guaranteed to inspire those creative juices and give you the air of a sophisticated wordsmith.

Best for: The freelancer who has always dreamed of having their own ink well and penning a masterpiece in their spare time.

Cost: It’s from a tacky American website called Shakespeare’s Den, so only $16.95

Shakespeare’s Den

Crazy Bone Pen

Don’t you ever get annoyed by the way that all pens look the same? I do. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Kick against mundanity by jotting down notes with this Crazy Bone Pen. It truly is Kaa-rayy-zzee!

Best for: The jokey contractor who truly has funny bones, a fact borne out by the possession of a mug that reads: “You don’t have to be mad to work here, but…

Cost: Depends on the size of the bone.

Puckator

The Aurora Diamante

The world’s most expensive pen is only an option for the world’s most successful freelancer or contractor. The Aurora Diamante pen is covered with over 30 carats of De Beers diamonds on a solid platinum barrel. Oh and it also has an 18 carat solid gold nib, plus a customised coat of arms, signature or portrait.

Best for: The freelancer who can count Roman Abramovic, Bill Gates, and Warren Buffett amongst their closest friends.

Cost: $1.3m!

Pens from Heaven

The Ringpen

If it’s comfort that you look for in a pen, then perhaps the Ringpen is for you. The designers promise a pen that will reduce fatigue while writing, a pen that doesn’t require three fingers to grip (though the picture suggests otherwise), and a pen designed… ‘to fit the human hand.’

Best for: The contractor who already has an ergonomic keyboard, mouse, chair, fork and mug.

Cost: £8.95

Ring-Pen

Croissant Pen

This conspicuously shaped writing implement is a real conversation piece. And the conversation usually develops as follows:

Office worker: “Hi Freelancer.”

Freelancer: “Hi Office Worker.”

Office Worker: “Are you writing with a turd?”

Freelancer: “What? No! It’s a Croissant Pen!!”

Office Worker: “But… Why?”

Freelancer: “………”

Now, this is no ordinary Croissant Pen. It’s a Croissant Pen designed by Wellwin, a company which describes itself as a “professional pizza pen, croissant pen, baguette pen and fridge magnet manufacturer.” We would show the Baguette Pen, but this is a family website.

Best for: The multi-cultural freelancer who’s keen to showcase their internationalist credentials.

Cost: On enquiry.

Wellwin Co